My daughters remind me each day that forgiveness is free, they remind me of kindness and love. I often ask myself do I show them enough in return are there enough kisses are there enough hugs is there enough one on one time. The measurements I use in my disfunctional brain are unattainable of course. I always have a way of making myself feel not good enough. But as I go through the day I count a thousand kisses I count a hundred hugs. My typical Walmart meltdown had me feeling guilty and like I failed myself because everyone is allowed to be human but me I’m supposed to be perfect that’s what I think about myself, it’s sad really. We got through the momster moment and all was well. I am going to try again tomorrow but my aim isn’t on perfection. It’s on more kisses and hugs…
I decided about four month’s ago I wanted to go back to college. Finally figured out my goal for going and a plan of action for when I graduate. Everything is completed and I’m ready to venture on my quest March seventh. I purchased a labtop brand new from Frys, a really good electronic store in Houston, along with a printer. I have been taking my labtop everywhere with me guarding it with my life. It is so nice, I don’t typically spend money like that on myself so it’s very excited to me. Sort of like a child with a new toy. Friday I get home and I have my computer on the kitchen table pulling up my schedule for my courses to show my husband. Here comes my five year old with a can of orange soda in her hand, picture this in slow motion as she puts the can down and it’s completely off balance and I’m yelling nooooooo as it falls onto my keyboard. I lay it down and hopefully all the liquid will just come out, one can hope right? Saturday it works, Sunday it works. Then Sunday night it’s done. In my devastation my mind automatically tries to revert back into my negative energy thoughts, the why me, I can’t have anything, the I’m destined to fail and my life’s going to fall apart. But I don’t let it. I instead ask myself, ” Do you honestly believe you are the only mom who’s child spilled liquid onto her computer? Do you honestly believe that your the only person who’s things have gotten broken days after purchase? It is a labtop that is all, you have spent more at the dollar store than what you did on the labtop, on crap. Stop, get over it, buy another one and be more cautious” Retraining your thought process isn’t easy but it can be done by asking yourself the thought in question form. I’m changing and growing and I don’t plan on stopping ever. Kids will be kids, crap we buy is replaceable but my child’s self worth is not. Thank you God for the miraculous changes you help me achieve everyday and the strength to overcome the things I once seen as impossible. I love you. .
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There are often times i question my ability to parent my children. There are often moments of make believe happiness. Where i smile and i laugh but inside i am coming unglued, i hate those moments. I go to bed and pray for change, for God to help me become the mother i so desperately want to be. There were days of glorious hypo-mania, on those days the kids beamed with joy as i chased them around the house or if the season fit we would enjoy the hose outside, i would be funny and nice and yearn for more of those days. But those days became less and less and the monster my un-diagnosed disorder was creating seemed to fill my house with yelling and screaming. The depression would follow and as time went on i pondered the reason behind my existence. I didn’t want to live but i didn’t want to die. I decided that if i truly wanted something different for my babies than i needed to do everything in my power to give it to them, because i am a mom before anything else. My mental Illness does not come before my children, my depression does not come before my children. As i move fourth into my recovery i see things with such clarity, being a good mom was always my number one goal. Coming from neglect and abandonment i knew what i didn’t want to do and i am fighting to teach them to fight. To show them nothing is too hard to do and we can get through anything, together as a family. These girls give me strength and courage to get through each day, the good ones and the bad ones. I choose to live, I choose recovery. No matter what it takes i will fight and i will conquer i have three little girls watching me and i refuse to let them down.