She’s a tornado, a constant whirl wind

Pieces of a broken mind

img_20160820_154013008.jpg

She wonders why so often the letters are engraved deep into her broken mind.

She is tired but she doesn’t quit because she is strong.

Tired from medication… or is it a busy life… or is it the depression that won’t let her be.

She only wants to be free.

So she asks why…why not me?

Was she destined to this life or was it a mistake? God might have gotten her mixed up with someone else.

So she asks why… why me?

The inner parts of heart and soul are similar to a flame solid and fierce.

But they don’t align with her mind.. so broken

Why can’t the medications just work to create a even keel?

Why can’t the broken parts of her mind just heal?

So she asks why… why am I so lost.

If God is in seek of the lost…. why hasn’t he found her?

So she asks him why….why God why?

He answers her simply by engraving her heart..

With unspoken words.. that can only be felt.

She knows why….

She is destined to find and to seek… others like her that are so weak.

Her flame will ignite something so great…she realizes suddenly that this is her fate.  

Knowing doesn’t make her pain go away..she still has days when all it does is rain. 

But the rain brings rainbows…. and rainbows are a promise of a better tomorrow

She dances in the rain with a tear streamed face…hold captive in madness spinning like a tornado….a whirlwind out of control

But she is free… freedom found in cage of insanity

~Jessica Rodriguez

Founder of Grace2Fight

Tornado’s are a beautiful disaster  

 

The constant flow of feelings

images.jpg

This morning my first thought was negative. I caught the thought and spent a few minutes allowing what I was feeling to be felt and not consume my morning, I feel like I succeeded.
Depression seems to keep presenting itself, periodically through the day I have learned to ignore it.  Looking back on my life, I think I know what started this, the negative cycle of thoughts the pessimism. Part of it was the constant  fighting of my parents, the feelings of fear and no were to run. Then the constant feelings of  inadequacy, we were sent to school in the mornings with no assistance in getting dressed or hair brushed. That is where the compare and despair started. Always wondering why we didn’t have cloths that where pretty or nice hair not even a bow. I was a little girl who never had a bow in her hair.  My self-confidence never developed only insecurity and constant self judgment. Never feeling pretty or worthy. The outsider is how I felt most days like I just didn’t fit in anywhere. As I grew up I used the things I did have to get the acceptance and attention I wanted. I never got close to anyone outside of family, in fear my true self would be exposed and I would suffer the humiliation all over again. I am not her today.  When I look in the mirror I am proud, well on most days.  I even occasionally like myself without makeup and that’s a huge deal. The self acceptance came in my fourth year of marriage, I felt comfortable in my own skin and accepted by my husband. I remember the feeling when I could put shorts on and not feel disgusted with my cellulite. I didn’t care I was free from my own self-consciousness, my own self judging thoughts.  I felt pretty and confident for me not for anyone else. Now changing my daily thinking, changing the way my brain was trained to process information that’s a daily fight to be aware. To think right after you think. To slow down enough to enjoy simplicity. Beautiful trees in the midst of a dirty crowed city. The smell of fresh-cut grass. Reading, Art my children.  I just want to live without a constant reminder of my past of my mental illness. I want to live in a way that you can see the light radiate from me.  One day I will get there.

Posted from WordPress for Android

The Calm…

The past few weeks have been calm, almost eerily calm. I had a few episodes but they didn’t drag on like before. I was even able to snap myself out of a three-day depression without a manic episode following behind it. I can’t believe that the bipolar disorder drug, Depakote, is actually working, knock on wood. Finding the right medication has been a nightmare with everyone carrying a different side effect. Our minds are very powerful, I was convinced that my appendix and liver were in trouble from this medication. Last Monday, I went to the doctor to have blood work done, low and behold…everything is normal. At that point I could no longer deny my crazy hypochondriac thoughts. I’m positive that my psychiatrist thinks that I’m insane but then again if I wasn’t than I wouldn’t be there. My long list of disorders seems almost unreal. How can one person function on a daily basis in society with a laundry list of diagnosed mental illnesses. It’s not just the standard diagnosis either, people close to me have seen the effects and even my psychiatrist has seen them during our monthly visits. Although, his face always has the same expressionless look as he continues to write his notes. I always want to grab the notes and see what he’s really writing but I hold myself back. I know my relationship with God and the accountability that I feel towards him has a lot to do with it. I am constantly aware of my thoughts, so I attempt to prevent the typical Jessica thoughts from ruling my mind anymore. Thankfully, my ride on that merry-go-round has finally come to an end. So, I have decided to set some major life goals. Those goals are to be completely off of the medication and no longer smoking cigarettes by Christmas. I will restart my morning work-out routine tomorrow. Now that I know that I am not dying, I need to make sure that I am healthy. One side effect that the ‘Depakote’ has surely done is cause me take in twice as many calories and eat sweets constantly. I haven’t weighed myself lately but every item of clothing that I own now fits snug. I needed a little extra weight because the depression had me looking like a stick figure. I don’t think that I have been that skinny since my days of using drugs. I would rather be as plump as a Thanksgiving turkey than to look like a crack-head. One can only hope that the peace lasts but either way, I intend to enjoy the calm while it’s here. Painting has been a great outlet for me. I swear that I could paint all day. Find a hobby or something that makes you happy and enjoy the peaceful moments because they don’t always last, but just continue to pray that they do.perfeect

 

My Borderline Life

The hardest part of living wth Borderline personality disorder is not knowing what is real or a figment of my over reactive emotions. I make bad judgment calls, I have had the same experiences over and over.  The old saying “follow your heart” is basically a death sentence to someone like me.  I trust and distrust alli in the same sitting depending on the situation. I feel like I need constant confirmation of who I am, if I am told that I am great at my job then I’m great at my job. But the moment the praise is gone, the unsettling feelings of unworthy unwanted and total failure slip in. Which is were I am at today.  The rational side of my brain says do what you’ve always done and apply your personality to your work and success will prevail. But the emotional side says, no one wants you here,  they haven’t said anything to you about your work so your getting fired. Your not good at this,  you lost your mojo so to speak. By this point of fighting the battle of the mind it’s 2 o’clock and I haven’t accomplished nothing.  This morning I see things clearer than yesterday. I know this is just a irrational way of thinking. I know I developed this from growing up in foster care and feeling the need to make people love me and except me by using the pain I went through of sexual abuse and child neglect as leverage to get sympathy. At first they felt bad and I so desperately received love kindness and attention. Than my bipolar disorder came out and that was all she wrote, being abandoned by people I just wanted to love me over and over until age 24. This isn’t for the readers to feel bad for me,  I have a Beautiful life.  A supportive loving and kind husband who has raised my daughters Grace and Kaylee as his own along with giving me the Queen of my universe my two year old Vannessa . His family is there for me and has been for the past five years.  I’ve been “adopted ” in by 3 ladies I have the privilege today to call me sisters. Who will do anything for me and love me unconditionally despite my bad brain wiring. I have great friends and family and I am blessed beyond measure. Self destruction has been an unfortunate down fall for me. I can’t handle minor feelings of irritability and everything is overwhelming. My daughters suffer from my “this is the end of my world and nothing will get better” melt downs. A simple trip to Walmart leaves me so frazzled I scream at them or let them run crazy in the store because God forbid if I regulate emotions and act like an adult. I would rather sit in the feelings of despair then scream at my kids for making me crazy.  Seeking help was because I didn’t want to be that person anymore I actually can’t stand those feelings. I want to find inner peace with myself. I overcame a crack addiction, I overcame child abuse neglect and abandonment. I am a survivor a fckn warrior princess and I can change my dumb way of thinking and regulate these emotions. Nothing truly is the “worst thing ever” even though it feels like it is. I’ve already overcame Hell this should be a cake walk right?

 

 

#Healing