The constant flow of feelings

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This morning my first thought was negative. I caught the thought and spent a few minutes allowing what I was feeling to be felt and not consume my morning, I feel like I succeeded.
Depression seems to keep presenting itself, periodically through the day I have learned to ignore it.  Looking back on my life, I think I know what started this, the negative cycle of thoughts the pessimism. Part of it was the constant  fighting of my parents, the feelings of fear and no were to run. Then the constant feelings of  inadequacy, we were sent to school in the mornings with no assistance in getting dressed or hair brushed. That is where the compare and despair started. Always wondering why we didn’t have cloths that where pretty or nice hair not even a bow. I was a little girl who never had a bow in her hair.  My self-confidence never developed only insecurity and constant self judgment. Never feeling pretty or worthy. The outsider is how I felt most days like I just didn’t fit in anywhere. As I grew up I used the things I did have to get the acceptance and attention I wanted. I never got close to anyone outside of family, in fear my true self would be exposed and I would suffer the humiliation all over again. I am not her today.  When I look in the mirror I am proud, well on most days.  I even occasionally like myself without makeup and that’s a huge deal. The self acceptance came in my fourth year of marriage, I felt comfortable in my own skin and accepted by my husband. I remember the feeling when I could put shorts on and not feel disgusted with my cellulite. I didn’t care I was free from my own self-consciousness, my own self judging thoughts.  I felt pretty and confident for me not for anyone else. Now changing my daily thinking, changing the way my brain was trained to process information that’s a daily fight to be aware. To think right after you think. To slow down enough to enjoy simplicity. Beautiful trees in the midst of a dirty crowed city. The smell of fresh-cut grass. Reading, Art my children.  I just want to live without a constant reminder of my past of my mental illness. I want to live in a way that you can see the light radiate from me.  One day I will get there.

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The Calm…

The past few weeks have been calm, almost eerily calm. I had a few episodes but they didn’t drag on like before. I was even able to snap myself out of a three-day depression without a manic episode following behind it. I can’t believe that the bipolar disorder drug, Depakote, is actually working, knock on wood. Finding the right medication has been a nightmare with everyone carrying a different side effect. Our minds are very powerful, I was convinced that my appendix and liver were in trouble from this medication. Last Monday, I went to the doctor to have blood work done, low and behold…everything is normal. At that point I could no longer deny my crazy hypochondriac thoughts. I’m positive that my psychiatrist thinks that I’m insane but then again if I wasn’t than I wouldn’t be there. My long list of disorders seems almost unreal. How can one person function on a daily basis in society with a laundry list of diagnosed mental illnesses. It’s not just the standard diagnosis either, people close to me have seen the effects and even my psychiatrist has seen them during our monthly visits. Although, his face always has the same expressionless look as he continues to write his notes. I always want to grab the notes and see what he’s really writing but I hold myself back. I know my relationship with God and the accountability that I feel towards him has a lot to do with it. I am constantly aware of my thoughts, so I attempt to prevent the typical Jessica thoughts from ruling my mind anymore. Thankfully, my ride on that merry-go-round has finally come to an end. So, I have decided to set some major life goals. Those goals are to be completely off of the medication and no longer smoking cigarettes by Christmas. I will restart my morning work-out routine tomorrow. Now that I know that I am not dying, I need to make sure that I am healthy. One side effect that the ‘Depakote’ has surely done is cause me take in twice as many calories and eat sweets constantly. I haven’t weighed myself lately but every item of clothing that I own now fits snug. I needed a little extra weight because the depression had me looking like a stick figure. I don’t think that I have been that skinny since my days of using drugs. I would rather be as plump as a Thanksgiving turkey than to look like a crack-head. One can only hope that the peace lasts but either way, I intend to enjoy the calm while it’s here. Painting has been a great outlet for me. I swear that I could paint all day. Find a hobby or something that makes you happy and enjoy the peaceful moments because they don’t always last, but just continue to pray that they do.perfeect

 

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Pain can be beautiful if given the opportunity to come out of it and see how it molded you into something else. It’s ok to not be ok. I can accept that today

#Healing

A Trick of Light

image by Rob Wanenchak image by Rob Wanenchak

People love you. You need them. You can’t live without them. They help you. But in the end the only person who can make you well is you. – I’ll Be Yours For a Song

I’ve been wanting to write this post for a while, but what kicked me into it now was two things. The death of David Bowie turned out to be a big one, and it was primarily sparked by what people were saying regarding what he personally meant to them: That he stood for the idea that it was okay to be weird and awkward and vulnerable, that outcasts have worth and value. That if you love what you do, you shouldn’t be ashamed of it. And so many of my friends – and acquaintances/colleagues/whatever – are creative people and also people who have felt weird and ill-fitting for most of their…

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The journey is long

The journey isn’t going to be smooth sailing. What I received from therapy was,  my co-payment is absolutely ridiculous I almost cried, of course being overly emotional I immediately thought I will never get better,  I’m going to ruin my kids life. After coughing up the cash for the one on one and deciding I can’t afford group, I was able to stay focused on what she was saying regardless of the knot in my stomach and the thoughts of what am I going to do? what should I do ?how an I going to do this?  What I learned, this is just changing the way you think and the way you respond. Allowing myself to see it for what it is and be realistic about it helped.  Is it going to be easy hell no.  But I’m not throwing in the towel because my work insurance sucks. I’m going to have to manage my money Better. Drink less coffee and stop buying lotto tickets. Sounds easy but I’m a caffeine addict who swears she’s going to win big on scratch off’s. Best part of the night was utilizing what I learned about separating myself from the emotions and allow people in my life to talk to me with out me having an emotional defense break down. Which I did, and I know I can do this.  Well right now in this moment the depression I felt on the way is gone and I see hope.  I see light at the end of the tunnel and I’m going to do my best to stay in the here and now. The present moment is all we really have anyway the past is over the future is yet to come.  Enjoy your now and block out the rest.  Nothing can change what happened and nothing we worry about today will change what happens tomorrow. Stay present, don’t do ten things at once and remember here and now is what we have once this moment is gone you won’t get it back. ..