There are often times i question my ability to parent my children. There are often moments of make believe happiness. Where i smile and i laugh but inside i am coming unglued, i hate those moments. I go to bed and pray for change, for God to help me become the mother i so desperately want to be. There were days of glorious hypo-mania, on those days the kids beamed with joy as i chased them around the house or if the season fit we would enjoy the hose outside, i would be funny and nice and yearn for more of those days. But those days became less and less and the monster my un-diagnosed disorder was creating seemed to fill my house with yelling and screaming. The depression would follow and as time went on i pondered the reason behind my existence. I didn’t want to live but i didn’t want to die. I decided that if i truly wanted something different for my babies than i needed to do everything in my power to give it to them, because i am a mom before anything else. My mental Illness does not come before my children, my depression does not come before my children. As i move fourth into my recovery i see things with such clarity, being a good mom was always my number one goal. Coming from neglect and abandonment i knew what i didn’t want to do and i am fighting to teach them to fight. To show them nothing is too hard to do and we can get through anything, together as a family. These girls give me strength and courage to get through each day, the good ones and the bad ones. I choose to live, I choose recovery. No matter what it takes i will fight and i will conquer i have three little girls watching me and i refuse to let them down.
The journey isn’t going to be smooth sailing. What I received from therapy was, my co-payment is absolutely ridiculous I almost cried, of course being overly emotional I immediately thought I will never get better, I’m going to ruin my kids life. After coughing up the cash for the one on one and deciding I can’t afford group, I was able to stay focused on what she was saying regardless of the knot in my stomach and the thoughts of what am I going to do? what should I do ?how an I going to do this? What I learned, this is just changing the way you think and the way you respond. Allowing myself to see it for what it is and be realistic about it helped. Is it going to be easy hell no. But I’m not throwing in the towel because my work insurance sucks. I’m going to have to manage my money Better. Drink less coffee and stop buying lotto tickets. Sounds easy but I’m a caffeine addict who swears she’s going to win big on scratch off’s. Best part of the night was utilizing what I learned about separating myself from the emotions and allow people in my life to talk to me with out me having an emotional defense break down. Which I did, and I know I can do this. Well right now in this moment the depression I felt on the way is gone and I see hope. I see light at the end of the tunnel and I’m going to do my best to stay in the here and now. The present moment is all we really have anyway the past is over the future is yet to come. Enjoy your now and block out the rest. Nothing can change what happened and nothing we worry about today will change what happens tomorrow. Stay present, don’t do ten things at once and remember here and now is what we have once this moment is gone you won’t get it back. ..
Today is my first day of Therapy for the BPD, along with my first group. I’m nervous, i am scared and it is going to take everything in me to go. I don’t want this, and i am not ready to accept it. But in the same thought i don’t want to hurt my family and i just want to be happy. My stomach feels anxious and i am already ready for it to be over. 45 minutes and i have to leave work to go. On one hand i am excited i feel like i am one step closer to some kind of normal were feeling overwhelmed isn’t an every day thing. Where i am not hurt by everything that isn’t exactly how i would want it or do it. A day where my thought process doesn’t consist of how many people don’t like me or the feeling of not being good enough or my biggest most annoying symptom fear fear fear. What if this and what if that control at least 70 percent of my day. Creating scenarios that may accrue but never do over and over in my head like a broken CD. Life is fckn hard and some days i really hate it, but it’s life and at least i am living. So many don’t get the chance i have i need to find gratitude for all things in my life. Gratitude equals peace and boy do i need that. The worst part of duel diagnosis is i never know if my meds stopped working for bipolar or if it’s BPD and all the crap that comes with that. Today is the day i have wanted for the past two months some real clarity on Borderline Personality Disorder and how to begin coping with over active emotions aka emotionally unstable lunatic, haha wish me luck here goes nothing!! Find Strength find strength that’s what i am going to say the whole way there.
The Super Hero in Me
Giving up isn’t an option so don’t you dare fall apart
Your little girls are watching you find the courage in your heart
You are an over comer so get up and start this fight
There is a flame inside you and it burns so bright
God has carried you through so much and he is there for you
Remember there is nothing in this life that is too difficult to do
You are a super hero, Marvel will tell you so
A super mom super wife all this you surly know
The past doesn’t define you but it should help you see
That there is more to this life and a Solider you must be
Sometimes it feels dark and you can’t see the light
Those are the times you must get up and fight
Grace, and mercy will find you God is by your side
Get up and fight don’t you dare try to hide
You are a dimand and they begin so rough
Keep moving forward i know that this is tough
I believe in you i hope that you can see
There is a super hero and she lives inside of me