Cease the Day

2016-09-05-18.02.34.png.pngMy new journey begins at a new hospital Monday. I am praying it is the place I need it to be. Where I can love my patients and their care is top priority. Where I can feel a sense of fulfillment as I share my experience, strength, and hope. I am so excited, yet nervous. I loved my patients at West Oaks, I know I made that place a better place. I feel sad leaving because there aren’t many there that love what they do. However, God is leading me in a new direction and I have to follow.

Next week will be busy as my new semester begins as well. College Algebra and Psyc. 3, please keep me in your prayers as the chaos of school and work engulf my every second. I love this life I live and wouldn’t want it any other way.

Free

img_20160208_164544.jpgFree is leaves that change color in the fall, the bright oranges the deep reds and radiant yellows.

Free is the wind that is cool and crisp that blows through my hair.

Free is sand in-between my toes

Free is my mind with a thousand random thoughts flowing as fast as the speed of light

Free is twenty projects and none of them complete

Free is feeling when I connect with my husband in random conversations I could have no one else

Free is my children’s smiles, their laughs, their hugs, kisses and random conversations

Free is the relationships of friends brought to my life by God’s divine plan

Free is the touch of my dogs fur, the unconditional love they give, there abundance of wet kisses

Free is my fingers on the key board releasing my thoughts to the world

Free is paint on a white canvas as my feeling are projected into a beautiful masterpiece

Free is music in my ears as my body feels each key, each tone, each lyric

Free is a choice not always chosen for many reasons unknown

Today I choose to be free…

My free

Mania

grace

The thoughts come fast, she can’t slow them down…

wondering if this holiday cheer they speak of can this year will be found.

Trying so hard to be the mother she never had through all those years,

But it only causes mania and so many tears.

She doesn’t see it but still it’s true,

she will never match up to you.

This mother she placed on a pedestal so high.

She runs around frantic and fights to try.

you fail you fail”

That’s what she hears inside,

But continues on to fight; no where to hide.

Why does she do this year after year

To continue on with the disappointment and so many tears.

you fail you fail”

Is all she hears,

she screams and yells yet no one hears.

It’s all inside like a madness spinning all un- done

If they knew what was inside they would know it won.

They would know she failed and they would see

All the broken pieces that live inside of me.

I hold it together like the strongest crazy glue

Squeezing it inside, never letting it through

She can’t let it slip out; God they might see

Just how much crazy lives inside of me

She is twisting and turning out of control,

and holding it together so know one will know

But does it  show?

Can they see the real me through silent tears?

Do they know who truly exists and all the fears?

I am a actor whos life is nothing but a show.

Who I really am you will never know.

Let me show you then you will see

All the pain that exists inside of me

Darkness so dark it could be black as space

Take these horrifying memories and hold me in your embrace

Make me forget about the person who lives inside

The crazy shattered broken parts of me  I try so to hide.

She is an actor and this is her life.

She just wants to be a good mother, she wants to be a good wife

But the darkness that engulfs her constantly takes over her soul

Is a constant reminder of something un-whole

It is broke like shards of broken glass

But maybe just maybe this too shall pass

Or is that a fairy tale the old testament tells

“she fails she fails” 

Are the words she hears,

she fights through all the pain and all the tears

The broken pieces like shards of glass, engulf the soul that was only meant for you to see

Can you see this darkness that lives inside of me?

 

 

 

 

The love of God surpasses all human understanding

982f0e17fee1592e89faa3b73b89de96.jpg

I don’t proclaim to be sin free. I know I have many faults on a daily basis. However, what I do know is most days I live to help others, I live to love others, the broken, the forgotten, the ones who feel the most alone in the world. People believe that my mannerism and kindness at work is a lack of experience in my field. But, it’s not because I don’t get frustrated, annoyed or aggravated with my patients because the truth is I do daily. The difference between me and my co-workers is the compassion, the kindness the human understanding I have comes from God. I live each day to share this love, Grace, and hope that we receive from Jesus. I want to share his love with others. Why? because I whole heartily believe that is my purpose on this earth. Some days I have bad days and I struggle, I am not perfect. But his unfailing mercy gives me another chance to do better the next day, that’s Grace. I feel sorry for the ones who don’t know him, who don’t believe he is real. The one’s who never get to experience the love of Christ. It saddens my heart to know they have excluded themselves from something so utterly amazing, so free, so perfect.

God has brought my entire family together in way that is so incredible. From being split apart in the foster care system, my mother lost in the streets to being all together as adults in a completeness that unless you lived it you can’t understand it. Life is about love, family and happiness. You can’t have these things without God, not in the way that he intended. You will constantly be seeking materialistic fulfillment, better cars, more money, high end designer stuff or worse drugs, women, men. None of those things will fill the void, none of those things bring upon real happiness they are only band-aids that can be ripped off at any minute to only leave a bigger whole inside you. Seek God in all you do, and he shall direct the way to go. Seek God, find a peace  beyond human understanding. With God no matter what you go through you will have peace. I live to share that message with others.

-Grace2Fight

God’s  Grace can lead us, forgive us, and heal us.

Giving up has never been an option

fb_img_1458129528984.jpg

Mathematical equations have pushed me to my breaking point, endless mountains of Algebra homework on top of my busy life hasn’t mixed well. There has been point over the past two weeks I didn’t want to get out of bed to face the failure I had faced the day prior. How can I, with ADD, bipolar depression and a life so busy it literally never stops find time to basically teach myself something I never learned in my “too cool for school” high school days. I could write and rewrite formulas, problems, watch videos on YouTube and it still wasn’t processing until I surrender I decided I didn’t need an A in this class I was okay with a C. Then the miracle happens and slowly I am getting better, I am learning.  Yes I have a C and I am so damn proud of this C. Because I worked hard for it. I do not want to become a mathematician or a math teacher. I want to be a psychologist and study brain disorders and practice therapy and research reasons behind the disorders. I want to understand the human thought process’s and promote pet therapy. Hell I want to write a book but I do not want to do math. I have three modules of Math, I am taking each class back to back then I am telling math to go to hell and I will focus on psychology courses. Tonight I got the night off from work I am half way through with my assignments and I actually learned a lot of useless information on graphing. The amount of time I spend in my Math lab has impressed my teacher so I am grateful for my diligence, my effort and the fact that I can work my ass off for what I want and not give up on my dreams. I still have a long road ahead of me but guess what I am going to succeed because giving up on me has never been an option.

She’s a tornado, a constant whirl wind

Pieces of a broken mind

img_20160820_154013008.jpg

She wonders why so often the letters are engraved deep into her broken mind.

She is tired but she doesn’t quit because she is strong.

Tired from medication… or is it a busy life… or is it the depression that won’t let her be.

She only wants to be free.

So she asks why…why not me?

Was she destined to this life or was it a mistake? God might have gotten her mixed up with someone else.

So she asks why… why me?

The inner parts of heart and soul are similar to a flame solid and fierce.

But they don’t align with her mind.. so broken

Why can’t the medications just work to create a even keel?

Why can’t the broken parts of her mind just heal?

So she asks why… why am I so lost.

If God is in seek of the lost…. why hasn’t he found her?

So she asks him why….why God why?

He answers her simply by engraving her heart..

With unspoken words.. that can only be felt.

She knows why….

She is destined to find and to seek… others like her that are so weak.

Her flame will ignite something so great…she realizes suddenly that this is her fate.  

Knowing doesn’t make her pain go away..she still has days when all it does is rain. 

But the rain brings rainbows…. and rainbows are a promise of a better tomorrow

She dances in the rain with a tear streamed face…hold captive in madness spinning like a tornado….a whirlwind out of control

But she is free… freedom found in cage of insanity

~Jessica Rodriguez

Founder of Grace2Fight

Tornado’s are a beautiful disaster  

 

There is no pause button

grace

There is no pause button on life, it keeps moving. Sometimes so fast it causes a wind storm in your chest making each breath incredibly painful. You stop for brief moments to embrace the seconds with your children, your husband, pets and hobbies. Only to be taking off your feet and drug into the next minutes. That’s how today feels. I had to give myself a break from work I have been off for four days only to have spent them cleaning like crazy, doing massive amounts of laundry that was so easily neglected while working crazy hours, only to step into the next semester of school so unprepared for the amount of work and studying that lies in-front of me. There is no pause button on responsibility, oh but does my aching soul wish there was. How I wish I could be someone who has taken life from a different perspective where each grueling task doesn’t look so grueling and just gracefully flows in the order it was intended too..  with a wind that’s gentle and calm

My winds seem to be those of tornado speed..my eyes often glued to the time as it trickles down the seconds I have left to complete or do the next thing on the list…

Perspective changes everything, but how do you change perspective? When you are so used to seeing black and white how do you stop long enough to notice the grey, blue hue that life also holds.. or the electric pinks.

Maybe I will see life through a new set of eyes when I awaken from this madness… maybe I will have eyes of distinct color that captures the beauty this world has to offer with open arms.

Maybe tomorrow I will create my own pause button…

-Jessica Rodriguez

One step at a time

2016-09-05-18.01.07.png.png

There are no words to describe what I feel today but I know that I feel doing  which includes and nothing more of eating and sleeping and perhaps quiet. I don’t want to talk or to clean or do homework and it is taking every bit of strength inside myself to just go to work today. I am tired, my internal tank is full of medications and caffeine and I think my body is at the breaking point.

Medications aren’t the only culprit in need for sleep frenzy, I know a lot of it is I eat unhealthy foods, I don’t exercise and I drink enough caffeine to supply a small coffee shop. Where is my husband? On all days I need him to be home to quiet the chaos and take care of me he is out and about. I couldn’t imagine being married to myself while I do my best to keep up and most days I suffice the norm. On days like this I feel as though I am more of a burden with my short fuse and lists of physical complaints.

My husband is out and my children refuse to listen, I ponder the thought is it me or them? Am I creating my own storm? I don’t want to answer little endless questions today or repeat myself twenty times I want to get lost in my own thoughts that eventually turn into sleep.. I want to sleep this day away and for tomorrow to come. I don’t want to feel sick to my stomach as a result of too much coffee, I don’t want to go to work and feel the same sleepiness I felt last night. I want to have a good day.

The only thing left to do is pray and get through it. Tomorrow I am off and will sleep all day do to exhaustion, this isn’t forever one step at a time.

In the midst of peace

Leaving work I noticed the sun rise.  I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I have noticed one. Then as my ears where filled with beautiful keys of a piano I also noticed the flock of birds,  so gracefully flying in the sky. The golden sun was my peace my moment with my coffee and cigarette after a long night at work. As I knew to enjoy the moment for every thing it’s worth because the chaos of my house was right around the corner,  and with that comes anxiety in my bittersweet moments of being a mother. Why was the most important thing in my life the hardest parts to live through? How could I miss them all so bad to only cringe at the thought of endless questions, crying, and just wanting me? Why did I crave to be alone but when I am I just want them? Maybe I will never know exactly why my mind and my emotions are so far from insynce it’s ridiculous hopefully one day they will be… unil then I will find joy in the chaos

Be kind

I find myself at peace with who I am by helping others. Although not every night is a night were I’m given the opportunity to say or do something phenomenal, I do appreciate the moments when they do come. Someone told me tonight “you always feel sorry for people, not everyone is good”. But I don’t believe that to be true, I guess I look at things from a humanistic point of view that there is something inside of us that’s good. I believe trauma in childhood, uertro development and natural born chemical imbalances are the reasons behind some of the purpose less acts of crime. I don’t feel sorry I’m just compassionate and understanding. The gift of compassion lives in all of us. Don’t judge people or get annoyed by someones ignorance. The environment to which we are raised plays a huge part into who we become. Be kind be gracious be compassionate.