My Borderline Life

The hardest part of living wth Borderline personality disorder is not knowing what is real or a figment of my over reactive emotions. I make bad judgment calls, I have had the same experiences over and over.  The old saying “follow your heart” is basically a death sentence to someone like me.  I trust and distrust alli in the same sitting depending on the situation. I feel like I need constant confirmation of who I am, if I am told that I am great at my job then I’m great at my job. But the moment the praise is gone, the unsettling feelings of unworthy unwanted and total failure slip in. Which is were I am at today.  The rational side of my brain says do what you’ve always done and apply your personality to your work and success will prevail. But the emotional side says, no one wants you here,  they haven’t said anything to you about your work so your getting fired. Your not good at this,  you lost your mojo so to speak. By this point of fighting the battle of the mind it’s 2 o’clock and I haven’t accomplished nothing.  This morning I see things clearer than yesterday. I know this is just a irrational way of thinking. I know I developed this from growing up in foster care and feeling the need to make people love me and except me by using the pain I went through of sexual abuse and child neglect as leverage to get sympathy. At first they felt bad and I so desperately received love kindness and attention. Than my bipolar disorder came out and that was all she wrote, being abandoned by people I just wanted to love me over and over until age 24. This isn’t for the readers to feel bad for me,  I have a Beautiful life.  A supportive loving and kind husband who has raised my daughters Grace and Kaylee as his own along with giving me the Queen of my universe my two year old Vannessa . His family is there for me and has been for the past five years.  I’ve been “adopted ” in by 3 ladies I have the privilege today to call me sisters. Who will do anything for me and love me unconditionally despite my bad brain wiring. I have great friends and family and I am blessed beyond measure. Self destruction has been an unfortunate down fall for me. I can’t handle minor feelings of irritability and everything is overwhelming. My daughters suffer from my “this is the end of my world and nothing will get better” melt downs. A simple trip to Walmart leaves me so frazzled I scream at them or let them run crazy in the store because God forbid if I regulate emotions and act like an adult. I would rather sit in the feelings of despair then scream at my kids for making me crazy.  Seeking help was because I didn’t want to be that person anymore I actually can’t stand those feelings. I want to find inner peace with myself. I overcame a crack addiction, I overcame child abuse neglect and abandonment. I am a survivor a fckn warrior princess and I can change my dumb way of thinking and regulate these emotions. Nothing truly is the “worst thing ever” even though it feels like it is. I’ve already overcame Hell this should be a cake walk right?

 

 

#Healing

Tell me about despair, yours, and I will tell you mine.

Pain can be beautiful if given the opportunity to come out of it and see how it molded you into something else. It’s ok to not be ok. I can accept that today

#Healing

A Trick of Light

image by Rob Wanenchak image by Rob Wanenchak

People love you. You need them. You can’t live without them. They help you. But in the end the only person who can make you well is you. – I’ll Be Yours For a Song

I’ve been wanting to write this post for a while, but what kicked me into it now was two things. The death of David Bowie turned out to be a big one, and it was primarily sparked by what people were saying regarding what he personally meant to them: That he stood for the idea that it was okay to be weird and awkward and vulnerable, that outcasts have worth and value. That if you love what you do, you shouldn’t be ashamed of it. And so many of my friends – and acquaintances/colleagues/whatever – are creative people and also people who have felt weird and ill-fitting for most of their…

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The journey is long

The journey isn’t going to be smooth sailing. What I received from therapy was,  my co-payment is absolutely ridiculous I almost cried, of course being overly emotional I immediately thought I will never get better,  I’m going to ruin my kids life. After coughing up the cash for the one on one and deciding I can’t afford group, I was able to stay focused on what she was saying regardless of the knot in my stomach and the thoughts of what am I going to do? what should I do ?how an I going to do this?  What I learned, this is just changing the way you think and the way you respond. Allowing myself to see it for what it is and be realistic about it helped.  Is it going to be easy hell no.  But I’m not throwing in the towel because my work insurance sucks. I’m going to have to manage my money Better. Drink less coffee and stop buying lotto tickets. Sounds easy but I’m a caffeine addict who swears she’s going to win big on scratch off’s. Best part of the night was utilizing what I learned about separating myself from the emotions and allow people in my life to talk to me with out me having an emotional defense break down. Which I did, and I know I can do this.  Well right now in this moment the depression I felt on the way is gone and I see hope.  I see light at the end of the tunnel and I’m going to do my best to stay in the here and now. The present moment is all we really have anyway the past is over the future is yet to come.  Enjoy your now and block out the rest.  Nothing can change what happened and nothing we worry about today will change what happens tomorrow. Stay present, don’t do ten things at once and remember here and now is what we have once this moment is gone you won’t get it back. ..

 

 

Day one Therapy Time

Today is my first day of Therapy for the BPD, along with my first group. I’m nervous, i am scared and it is going to take everything in me to go. I don’t want this, and i am not ready to accept it. But in the same thought i don’t want to hurt my family and i just want to be happy. My stomach feels anxious and i am already ready for it to be over. 45 minutes and i have to leave work to go. On one hand i am excited i feel like i am one step closer to some kind of normal were feeling overwhelmed isn’t an every day thing. Where i am not hurt by everything that isn’t exactly how i would want it or do it. A day where my thought process doesn’t consist of how many people don’t like me or the feeling of not being good enough or my biggest most annoying symptom fear fear fear. What if this and what if that control at least 70 percent of my day. Creating scenarios that may accrue but never do over and over in my head like a broken CD.  Life is fckn hard and some days i really hate it, but it’s life and at least i am living. So many don’t get the chance i have i need to find gratitude for all things in my life. Gratitude equals peace and boy do i need that. The worst part of duel diagnosis is i never know if my meds stopped working for bipolar or if it’s BPD and all the crap that comes with that.  Today is the day i have wanted for the past two months some real clarity on Borderline Personality Disorder and how to begin coping with over active emotions aka emotionally unstable lunatic, haha wish me luck here goes nothing!! Find Strength find strength that’s what i am going to say the whole way there.

One Small Crack Doesn’t Mean your Broken, It Means That You Were Put to the Test and You Didn’t Fall Apart

                   The Super Hero in Me

Giving up isn’t an option so don’t you dare fall apart

Your little girls are watching you find the courage in your heart

You are an over comer so get up and start this fight

There is a flame inside you and it burns so bright

God has carried you through so much and he is there for you

Remember there is nothing in this life that is too difficult to do

You are a super hero, Marvel will tell you so

A super mom super wife all this you surly know

The past doesn’t define you but it should help you see

That there is more to this life and a Solider you must be

Sometimes it feels dark and you can’t see the light

Those are the times you must get up and fight

Grace, and mercy will find you God is by your side

Get up and fight don’t you dare try to hide

You are a dimand and they begin so rough

Keep moving forward i know that this is tough

I believe in you i hope that you can see

There is a super hero and she lives inside of me