To medicate or not

It’s midnight I’ve yet to take my medication. Result extreme awakeness.
There’s so much controversy on whether it’s the “medication nation” or are they necessary. Sometimes I wonder myself.  The reason why I took my medication tonight, it’s been 19 days since the last time I lost control. 19 days since my kids saw me in the midst of transforming into she-hulk. I got my medication stablized on the 29th of April. I had my last melt down the same day.  They are working. What they do for me is give me the ability to pause. I no longer go from 0 to 100, I’m no longer a ticking time bomb. We can’t control it.  There’s the controversy, therapy and learning different techniques and so on and so forth. But what people don’t understand is that it’s not in our personality hell it’s not even from my screwed up childhood. Bipolar Disorder is a generic disorder of the brain. My brain doesn’t have a pause button only an impulsive react button. So if something that makes me sad there’s no pause and moving on I’m slung into the gates of depression hell. If I get aggregated I’m going to explode.  Living with me unmedicated was a walk on egg shells experience. For a while no one really saw the extreme mood changes. At least not the ones that left me feeling overwhelmed with guilt but the stress of 2015 and all my siblings living under one roof everyone saw and that was the worst feeling. I wanted to die because I didn’t want to hurt then anymore the things that came out of my mouth to them to their children. But they stuck by my side and after a battle between wanting to die and wanting to liveI got help.  I take medication because I am ill the same way a diabetic takes insulin. We need it to live a fulfilling life.  Without mediation I am not happy and neither is my family.  #stopthestigma #MedsMakeMeBetter #FindYourFree

image

Author: grace2fight

on the journey of healing

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s