My Subconscious won’t forget

Night terrors, not just for children I suppose . Why do the memories I try so hard to forget creep into my dreams and leave me feeling drained and exausted the morning I awaken. I don’t remember the dream but I remember running from it.I remember wanting it to be over. My past haunts me, not always but the occasional nightmare is my physical scar that reminds me of who I was and of who I fought so hard to become. Today has been one of those days where you’ve done so much yet feel as though you accomplished nothing. The days that feel so unsatisfied. Like my internal hunger for a more fulfilling work life is in full throttle. The ticking of minutes passing feels like hours. I’m tired from the exausting dreams, yet awaken in my spirit from its silent whisper of ” there has to be more in life than this”. I ignore the hippie’s voice because the mother in me knows the oh so stacking high, month of bills need to paid.I long for freedom, sand, the water, the timeless feeling. I need the beach. I need the sting on my face as the salt water creates the magnet that the suns energy is drawn too. I need the rough yet warm feeling of Sand in the bottoms of my feet.I need the wind that blows gently sweeping my hair across my face. I need the waves that engulf me and make my stomach sink like i might get pulled into the forever distance of the ocean. I need my kids … the fear when I can’t spot the polka-dot bathing suit and I just know my bear is half way down the beach and the relief when I catch the black polka-dots building a sand castle. I need the moments when I wander if my baby has consumed enough sand to poop a rock and the laugh as I shrug my shoulders and think let her be little. I need the begging of my mini to teach her to swim like a mermaid, the constant nag and cry with no understanding that there are two little ones to watch as well. I need the sound of exausted children snoring in my back seat as we drive home to Houston…. I need to play hooky tomorrow and go to the beach. ..

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Author: grace2fight

on the journey of healing

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