Pausing before the explosion

We can learn lessons through anything we come in contact with, if we allow ourselves to be open enough to see it. I didn’t realize i had stopped, stopped focusing on what was happening within me.Stopped watching my thinking that controls my emotions that in turn controls my behaviors. I automatically assume the episodes of rage, uncontrollable screaming and then the depression had to be signs i should go back on the depakote it meant the risperdal wasn’t working because it couldn’t be me, it never is right.

Watching my children’s expressions and reactions last week was a repeat of my suicide  days the days when i could no longer bare to hurt them with my words and my crazy fits the days when i didn’t want to be alive anymore.

On Sunday my daughter called her father as i screamed in the background that i wish i was dead so i wouldn’t have to deal with life anymore. That was it, how did i end up here again. I got over the swing of the mood as fast as the mood came stuffing it inside of me so not to embarrass anyone at the family get together we were hosting at our house. From the outside you wouldn’t see what was going on inside. The thoughts of not being what my family needs me to be. The thoughts of never being what they need me to be and the infamous thoughts of just hating who i was and will always be, Bipolar, Borderline Personality unstable and crazy. I had a choice stay there or fight. Was something wrong? Hell yes, this isn’t where i want to be! So get up and do something.

I had homework to finish and the assignment i had put off not because it’s hard but because i think the class is stupid, the assignment was on cognitive therapy i just didn’t realize it while i glanced over the syllabus on Wednesday. I heard everything i needed to here and realized there was still so much to learn about my condition and  how to truly become a better person in general. I will continue to learn  everyday i am alive. This is something each day of my life that i will have to fight, and in order to fight i have to be willing to learn the tools needed to make each day a win

I fell asleep praying asking for guidance praying for forgiveness for being so selfish there are children starving and i am asking God to help me not be weak when he built me strong enough to withstand anything that i am faced with on this earth. I woke up in a better place, granted i woke up to my oh so understanding and kind husband’s breakfast of champions my favorite thing currently Warm Glazed Donuts. I went to work and i decided at some point i can’t even pinpoint when or where, but i know it happened, that today i was going to let things i didn’t have control over bother me. I succeed at work however failed at home. But it wasn’t a fail it really was a win. As the financial burden krept up into my thoughts i started to do what i normally do and get upset about every little thing.

Before i exploded like i had been doing every day for a week solid i went outside i breathed in the fresh cut grass smell i love so much i sat indian style on my walkway in the front of my house and i didn’t care if i looked crazy because i was free in that moment and that’s all that mattered and i heard God and i knew he was right. So i got up and eased my way into my loving and forgiving husbands arms and i didn’t explode and i didn’t ruin the evening. I made a dinner my family loved with cheesecake as dessert for my peace offering and i cleaned my kitchen with a smile because of the peace i felt for my win, I even fixed the dogs area and didn’t complain or yell because i hate those things and they really are not who i am. I am me tonight, calm loving down to earth and mostly care-free and one day i will be her more days than not. But for right now i am shooting for tomorrow. 

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Author: grace2fight

on the journey of healing

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