6 sense

Living a borderline life sometimes means having bad judgement calls and occasionally embarrassing yourself. How you know when it’s probably your insanity? Well if you have two totally different situations yet both seem similar in the fact that you feel like you are being attacked so to speak than it’s probably you. There is an old AA saying if your walking down the street and you bump into two assholes then more than likely the asshole is you. All the progress all the forward leaps and bounds to allow something that was totally out of my control take it all from me. I feel like Bruce Willis in the six sense like i am going to realize i am dead and none of this is real  walking through the days in state of blindness were nothing makes sense. Am i right or wrong? It seems i no longer know what is or isn’t. I wish the irritability would stop, the depression, the feelings of ” out of control” that make me see every single piece of dirt in my house which makes the thoughts of negativity arise. I feel disgusted in this moment. I want to sleep to escape myself but life must go on.  As why, why , why repeats in my head and no answer ever comes i begin to ponder on the fact that this is it and there is no better quality of life for the Mentally Ill. What did i do so wrong to have to endure trauma as a child so extensive it created this poison of Borderline Personality Disorder. I hate it. Why can’t i fight it? I want to be me then person i for as long as i can remember that lived inside  me to scared to come out. She’s care free almost to the point of a hippy personality. She assertive not passive. She’s funny yet intellectual. Deep thinker on positive meanings of life. Not over analytical on every negative thing in the world and in her life. She is a positive Paul not a negative Nancy. That person has hidden inside me my whole life. She is whom i always imagined myself to be a braver more happier version of my external self.

 

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Author: grace2fight

on the journey of healing

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