I should of realized the storm was about to present itself, the calm should of been a warning. Yesterday ended like a rerun of three weeks ago. Tears, rage, and the feelings of despair. I don’t want to feel like this. I don’t want to visually see the images trapped in my mind. But I can’t stop them and I’m alone. He has his opinion and feelings and I have mine. I feel like no matter what I do somehow it will never be good enough for my daughter, whatever decision I make, won’t hold up to my own expectations of what a mother should do. I feel like I am alone in this fight and the person I need so desperately, is on the other side of the fence or better yet balancing from one to the other. Yet in my mind and heart it shouldn’t be that way. He should be with us, he should feel like I do. How do you go so far a head to only fall back to where you were? Is the question I am asking myself. I wish there were words to put into a sentence to help someone understand how I feel but there are not. Maybe those words I need for these feelings don’t even exist. Maybe what I feel is so out of this world that they haven’t even been described yet. That’s how I feel. But no matter what I will pray and I will fight, I will not accept this situation as it is and I will keep moving forward no matter how many times I have to start over.
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