The Calm…

The past few weeks have been calm, almost eerily calm. I had a few episodes but they didn’t drag on like before. I was even able to snap myself out of a three-day depression without a manic episode following behind it. I can’t believe that the bipolar disorder drug, Depakote, is actually working, knock on wood. Finding the right medication has been a nightmare with everyone carrying a different side effect. Our minds are very powerful, I was convinced that my appendix and liver were in trouble from this medication. Last Monday, I went to the doctor to have blood work done, low and behold…everything is normal. At that point I could no longer deny my crazy hypochondriac thoughts. I’m positive that my psychiatrist thinks that I’m insane but then again if I wasn’t than I wouldn’t be there. My long list of disorders seems almost unreal. How can one person function on a daily basis in society with a laundry list of diagnosed mental illnesses. It’s not just the standard diagnosis either, people close to me have seen the effects and even my psychiatrist has seen them during our monthly visits. Although, his face always has the same expressionless look as he continues to write his notes. I always want to grab the notes and see what he’s really writing but I hold myself back. I know my relationship with God and the accountability that I feel towards him has a lot to do with it. I am constantly aware of my thoughts, so I attempt to prevent the typical Jessica thoughts from ruling my mind anymore. Thankfully, my ride on that merry-go-round has finally come to an end. So, I have decided to set some major life goals. Those goals are to be completely off of the medication and no longer smoking cigarettes by Christmas. I will restart my morning work-out routine tomorrow. Now that I know that I am not dying, I need to make sure that I am healthy. One side effect that the ‘Depakote’ has surely done is cause me take in twice as many calories and eat sweets constantly. I haven’t weighed myself lately but every item of clothing that I own now fits snug. I needed a little extra weight because the depression had me looking like a stick figure. I don’t think that I have been that skinny since my days of using drugs. I would rather be as plump as a Thanksgiving turkey than to look like a crack-head. One can only hope that the peace lasts but either way, I intend to enjoy the calm while it’s here. Painting has been a great outlet for me. I swear that I could paint all day. Find a hobby or something that makes you happy and enjoy the peaceful moments because they don’t always last, but just continue to pray that they do.perfeect

 

Author: grace2fight

on the journey of healing

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