Feelings just suck

Five years ago today I made the decision to take a leap of faith, trust God and step into my first sober committed relationship, I remember feeling so unworthy, so not good enough. You were my friend for so long, I told you all of my secrets, exposed myself to you because I thought we would  be that boy/girl best friends forever. I trusted you and knew you didn’t judge me for the mistakes I made. I felt like you really did understand.

The rocky first year laid the strong foundation we needed. But it wasn’t glorious like most couples. Kaylee was barley two and  Grace was six months old. Then four months into a relationship,  the birth control failed and I felt trapped in an unwanted pregnancy with not even a year sober, and two babies by myself already. Selfishly I did what I thought was best and terminated the pregnancy. I know it hurt you so bad and I regretted it. We got through that the stupid way and tried to get pregnant just a few months later. After a painfully  loosing that baby we thought it just wasn’t meant to be. I got the five year IUD and we moved on, continuing our life and planning our future.

On November 1st 2010 we were married, by the end of January we decided to give the baby thing one more shot and by April we knew our little vannessa was coming. The pregnancy was nothing short of pure bliss. Having you by my side was everything and anything I could of hoped for. Our family was going to be complete, Our five kids. November 26th was the remarkable day our smiling chubby baby came into the world and our family was compete.

Two years later, today we celebrate our fifth anniversary together, in turmoil as the tragedy of this family crisis has put on our marriage. your outside I am in, both sick with stress, for tomorrows debut. I don’t understand what you feel and you don’t understand my pain. I could cry and scream right now because for the first time in five years I feel like half of me is gone, I am so incomplete right now. I am so angry that this even happened I could just loose my mind in this fiery.  I only live now for the rare moments of grace and hope when God intervenes and leads my heart. Where I can feel myself healing and can begin actually feeling some kind of forgiveness for step son, the boy I spent five years loving as my own, the boy I believed in, hoped in. The one I knew was born for greatness, but also the boy that hurt my baby, my beautiful little innocent daughter, the boy I now see as a monster that destroyed my life. I guess it’s easier to feel anger, I guess it’s easier to hate. Because love is so complicated and love hurts and makes you vulnerable and love can sometimes destroy with no reason why. I have to ask myself today how can I move fourth? How can I keep from destroying what is left of my family? Every piece of me hurts, I am scared, scared of everything, every thought, every decision, everyday. I need to cry, I need to dig deep inside myself and reveal every painful scar inside me and truly allow God to heal me completely. What good am I to anyone like this? What good am I to me like this? I feel  numb but painfully numb. I need someone, I need you to understand. I need you to be there for me, leaving out and forgetting about your son for a moment, and be there for your wife as she grieves over the abuse of her daughter. I feel like in my moments of closeness to God I do that for you, I give advice and try to love him for you, try to show compassion for you. So why is it so hard for you to just be mad with me for a moment, for the little girl you raised as your own. For your non- biological daughter, for your hurting wife… I don’t know what tomorrows brings for us, but I know I love you and our family can get through this. A lot of families have gotten through worse. My hope and wish on our anniversary is that neither one of us give up during this painful storm. This year will be hard on everyone and as long as we can find the love in our hearts to try again every tomorrow, one tomorrow we will see that it gradually got easier and gradually got better. It’s only been two weeks,  we still have fifty, I think what we have is worth 50 more weeks even if half of them are bad. All of them without you will be bad. I love you happy Anniversary will you try again tomorrow with me?

Author: grace2fight

on the journey of healing

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