Staying Strong has been something the has always came so natural to me. Growing up in a home full of neglect, abuse and insanity. What other choice was I given. I don’t remember ever really thinking about the future or having goals or expectations for life up until having Grace my second daughter. I was 25 when she was born. So for 25 years I lived only every day to numb myself. With any and anything I could get my hands on. Had Grace been my first child it probably wouldn’t be such a bad thing, but there are 3 more in front of her. My son’s are adopted by there paternal grandparents. My oldest daughter Kaylee is with me, thank God she was still young enough at the point that fixing my life included her coming home. I have been through so much in 30 years. I know I just naturally expected to change my life, ridding myself of poisons, living a good life. Being a decent human being. Meant that the pain would end. Other than loosing the ones i love to death, Everything thing I’ve been through in my 5 years of sobriety seems so petty. I wonder why I let so much of the “little Tragedy” become so major to me. Going through what I am now, it makes all the extra little things I made big things, really nothing. Tonight I can’t sleep yet again. It seems like I haven’t slept in two weeks. God I can’t believe it’s been two weeks, two since my life, my normal, my family was shattered. I drove home in a sting of sadness today from work. Not the paralyzing depression I’ve felt so much lately. Just a sting, just enough pain to make sure I didn’t forget about the shit going on. I hate being crazy because when the medication is working I can get through difficult situations like a champ then as soon as it wears off, here comes negative Nancy, I wonder what will fall apart next. Tonight I laid in bed day dreaming of having a tiny little farm house where me and the girls could spend months painting murals on random walls, a place where it was ok to make a mistake because you could start all over, a place of singing and baking and peace. I wonder how to get to my little farm house, or is this just another distraction from the cold hard reality of life….
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