Sad little eyes

Everyone feels pain, but i don’t think everyone experiences pain the same. Today was a good Monday, i woke up feeling a little more like Jessica and a little less like the angry mess i had been over the past week. I drove to work looking forward to a day that held productivity and i felt ready to prove myself to my job once again after such a bad couple weeks. I hate Jack in the box, My Courtney, My angel, One of my best friends worked there, forever it felt like, passed away at 27 from breast cancer on August 11th 2015. The smell, the buildings, signs, drive through menu is all painful to look at. But for some reason i pulled into jack in the box for breakfast. I am very absorbent by nature, i notice everything and anything, and i analyze, creating life journeys  for random people. Ya i am slightly strange. i look to the left as i am pulling in and there is a old man who hasn’t shaved in a good two weeks, white colored beard growing in, looks homeless has a empty dirty and old umbrella stroller, two bags hanging from the side. My first thought was thank God he didn’t have a baby in there. I order my food wait anywhere from 15-20 minutes. i drive around and for some reason i go all the way back around the store instead of pulling straight out from drive-through. That same man is there only there is now a 2 year old curly haired baby girl and a 5 year old little girl in what looks like a catholic school outfit with no tights on and its freezing outside, the look on my face is what drew him over to me a look of a mothers desperation to save children, my arms yearned to hold that poor baby. Were they hungry? i thought, why were they out here? Who is this man and why does he have these children. All the while the girls and him move towards my van. ” Can you please give us a ride to my daughters school its right down the street we’ve waited for over an hour for a cab?” he said to me through chattering teeth. The 5 year old eyes looked at me with desperation as though she was pleading with me to say yes so she could get out of the cold and be safe at school. Was he lying yes, did i give them a ride, yes. My first thought is my vehicle is a mess, my children use it as there own personal trash can and sometimes, most times i am just too tired to throw it away. They load up in the back of my van and i head down magnum to her school. My sister lives on that street i think to myself and i have never seen an Elementary School. Now the mission to save my own life plots in my head. I have heals on will he notice if i take it off and put it under my left leg? He is at least 62 i can totally elbow him in the face and knock him out, oh crap my husband is going to kill me. panic doesn’t settle well with me and the nausea kicks in and then a sigh of relief when i see the school zone signs. I ask him how is he getting the baby back home and he said he would just walk it’s like 7 miles down the street. ” no i will pull over there and wait for you two” i tell him. Then i pray for safety  and for some reason i honestly thought he had originally said they were his grandchildren and he said his wife passed away. About less than a minute passes and he returns with the curly haired brown eyed baby girl. The five year old is safe and warm in school and now to drop them off and my good deed is over.

One of my greatest gifts is that people naturally open up to me which is one of the many reasons for me wanting to be a psychiatrist. He begins to tell me that these are his children and his wife is in jail for drugs. But he doesn’t have a problem because he only uses a little speed, which i am assuming is meth but i guess it could be anything. He then proceeds to tell me that they are homeless and people keep calling CPS on them and he had a babysitter but she likes to party too much. I was hurt for the little girls and the life that lies ahead for them. I dropped them off at there ” house” a white pick up and the little baby left my car crying. I drove away feeling so sick to my stomach and wanting so desperately to turn around and plead with him to let me have the children just until he gets his life together that at least they would be safe and warm and fed and loved. Honestly he probably would of, but then what. Then what? eventually CPS would have to be involved. They would place them God knows where with God knows who he’s illegally here for 16 years, so he wouldn’t get them back. They would be stuck In a system that is  killing kids everyday, so which is worse the drug addict father or the abusive foster parent because from someone who has had both they both suck and they both hurt and both cause trauma. This is a cold dark world we live in, where the people who would make phenomenal parents don’t get to have children and the ones who really don’t want them end up with 10. Where the system isn’t designed to help they adopt out your babies before you even have a chance to truly change but age out the 5+ kids from home to home to home until the teenager like me at 16 says F-off or does what my sister does and uses them for everything they offer until she’s too old. Of course we then have the wonderful situation were they take kids because of marijuana but not alcoholism. Because pot is definitely making you abuse, embarrass and destroy your kids life not Alcohol. We live in a Era were money rules everything nothing is equal and it cost more to just survive than the average person can make themselves. Where mothers are forced to leave there babies with strangers and return to work, because in America we can’t live off of one income. Where we only qualify for help with insurance if we work for minimum wage and the ones like me who pay out so much for insurance for there family is now under minimum wage, way under, so whats the point? people get food assistance, daycare assistance and insurance assistance and bring home more than i do after i pay out for all that cash out of my pocket. This is the greedy horrific world we live in, there are very few people left that genuinely care about other people, that want to help. It’s not there fault, America drives us on the fear of not being able to survive causing people to act out in a way that’s similar to a starving animal. I am very sad for the world my children’s, children’s will be forced to live in. Where little girls sad eyes are starring and pleading  but not one  person tries to help them, while they are freezing in the cold.

Author: grace2fight

on the journey of healing

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