Tears poured like rain, anger inside me was like lightning that striked through every nerve ending in me , my body trembled, like thunder roars. The storm carried me on wave of despair and the sorrow was like a whirlpool that sucked me be beneath its coldest darkest waters. I gasped for air; only to inhale choking poison of what now was my reality. It was as though the world I knew no longer exists and all I could do was gaze stuck in a stillness, as everything around me kept moving. I constantly found myself pondering the same thing “was I already dead? Could that be what this is, because nothing else made sense.” As the ground under my feet slowly crumbled, I grasped for anything I could holdheo, if only for a few more minutes, buying time anyway I could. There faces keep me going like the push I need to make it just a little longer, and the change from day to night is a reminder that somehow someway I am still here.
The memories fell and shattered like family pictures on the wall. Tiny cuts and drops of blood from my broken heart struggled to pick up the pieces of my ruined life. Blindness and numbness as I stumble my way through each day, trying to block the visions that consume my thoughts, causing my heartbeat to drum in my ears loud and unending and my breath to be taken in nothing but despair.
I screamed out at God, accusing him of this pain. My glasses hid the tears that fell uncontrolably and mind secured the screams I so desperately wanted to release. I’m driving erratically, twisting through crazy traffic, wonder how it would feel just to let go of all this through closing my eyes and doing the only thing that would end the blackness of my torn apart family, but I can’t. I have to be strong for them, even when everything in me has already given, it’s my heart that refuses too. Riding on the line of death and life, light and darkness, hope was gone hopelessness was all I could feel. I prayed outloud “have mercy lord I am trapped in the pain utterly broken “, all though I honestly believed in that moment that he would do nothing, I believed in that moment my God whom I loved so much, the one who saved me from the gates of hell no longer exsisted that it was all fake. I didn’t want to go home, consumed with earth shattering fear. I didn’t want those little eyes to gaze into mine, seeing what I had allowed myself to become. Look at me i was a mess, a disgrace, I was disgusted with myself in a way I never had been before. How could a mother who tackled a drug addiction, who fought so hard to give her kids a good life, come completely undone by uncontrollably events. How could I, of all people consider what was continusly in my mind, ending it all? They needed me. I walked in the house with black smeared cheeks, gave hugs and kisses and fell into my bed. I just need sleep; I thought to myself. That had become my sentence of the week, a little sleep and maybe when I awaken the nightmare I was living would be just that a nightmare. My five kids would be the same as a week ago today. We will complain of normal things, like money, work and smart mouths. The cries of two year old, took away that option of that glorious dream, as I heard her tiny voice call for me, she wanted upie with mommy. Her safe place my arms but I handed her my phone to watch mickey instead. The despair took away my natural instinct to parent, God I can’t do this anymore. I jumped out of bed and banged on the bathroom door, were my husband was, the person who I could no longer see eye to eye with, the one I felt wasn’t siding with me, the one I felt abandoned by, when I needed him the most. The past week has been argument after agrument. I know we both knew, that this family tragedy was going to rip us apart and it wasn’t fair. I banged for him to let me in, pleading for him to open the door. I am sure after a long day of angry texting he was scared of what I wanted. He opened the door and I fell lifelessly in his arms, crying and telling him I needed him. That I couldn’t do this alone…. That without him beside me I would slowly die, the person I was that he loved would cease to exist. Because I was she only with him. I wanted us to fight For us and our family. The touch of his lips, so familiar and warm, took the breath from me leaving butterfly’s in my stomach. I whispered to him, I missed you, God I missed you. Then the hopelessness was gone and hope was near so near I felt it like the warm spring morning when you know summer is coming. We stayed up late into the night, both in fear of what tomorrow would bring. Each day that passes, comes with an uncertainty of how either one of us will feel the next. I thanked God before falling asleep, I knew he gave the will and the courage I needed to get up and open my heart up to my soul mate. The one who has seen every broken, torn piece, inside me and only loved me more. The one who sees me through eyes never seen, in a way that makes every ugly horrible part of someone’s past a beautiful reminder of how they found you. God gave me Michael, God gave me my kids. Because he knew no matter what I would do what, i would do what was right. He knew I would fight and not give up. For all of them biological or not. I am sorry I thought for a second about giving up, God made me strong enough for this and I know its time to fight with all he’s prepared me for. We will beat the odds against us and swim our way out of the storm and no matter what we do it together.