It seems that too often in life, I end up in the same spot where I’m at right now. My life has been full of sheer bliss over the past few days. There hasn’t been any overwhelming anxiety, no irritability, its just been a serene calm. Imagine that feeling of being at a beach, where you are laying in the warm sun and you don’t have a care in the world. The peaceful sensation that you feel as your feet touch the sand, watching as the ocean water gently flows over the tops of toes. That’s how it’s been but unfortunately those feelings suddenly change as my mind slowly creeps away from bliss and towards the gloom. The clouds turn black and instantly rain pours down with vengeance. The peaceful sensation is gone, replaced by uneasiness as you attempt to flee for shelter. This rain isn’t the kind that would make you want to dance in it. Instead, it’s more like the kind that puts fear in your heart as the lightning strikes and the thunder roars. For those with a mental illness, sometimes that’s how love works. You desperately want to stay in a place of bliss, where the arms of the one that you love provide a safe haven. But it doesn’t always work that way! Negative images slither in like a snake, eating away at all positive thoughts and leaving dreadful despair. As I’m overcome with the feeling that the harder I try, the more that I fail. I don’t know why I’m doomed with this mindset of being left to feel unworthy, unwanted and alone. Why don’t I deserve to be loved? Have I not been through enough? Has their not been enough pain? These questions flood my thoughts and make me feel like the part of my brain that allows the symptoms of my illness, also allow for it to take control by self-sabotaging every moment of happiness. Silently whispering feelings of despair in my ear. Then the realistic side of my brain questions, what if this is reality? What if you are being treated like this? What if no one but your children will ever love you because you’re just too crazy to be loved? I feel like I need constant validation and confirmation that I am loved, that I am worthy. That is the part that’s so frustrating to me because I truly know that I am worthy of being loved. I’m at war mentally, fighting my own thoughts in a battle that never seems to end. Trying to figure out where I fit in this world as a wife, mother and professional with my career. God knows my pain and the exhaustion that I feel from this. I refuse to give up! I will continue to fight for love, I will continue to fight within my own mind to love myself. Loving every part of me. ..
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