My Borderline Life

The hardest part of living wth Borderline personality disorder is not knowing what is real or a figment of my over reactive emotions. I make bad judgment calls, I have had the same experiences over and over.  The old saying “follow your heart” is basically a death sentence to someone like me.  I trust and distrust alli in the same sitting depending on the situation. I feel like I need constant confirmation of who I am, if I am told that I am great at my job then I’m great at my job. But the moment the praise is gone, the unsettling feelings of unworthy unwanted and total failure slip in. Which is were I am at today.  The rational side of my brain says do what you’ve always done and apply your personality to your work and success will prevail. But the emotional side says, no one wants you here,  they haven’t said anything to you about your work so your getting fired. Your not good at this,  you lost your mojo so to speak. By this point of fighting the battle of the mind it’s 2 o’clock and I haven’t accomplished nothing.  This morning I see things clearer than yesterday. I know this is just a irrational way of thinking. I know I developed this from growing up in foster care and feeling the need to make people love me and except me by using the pain I went through of sexual abuse and child neglect as leverage to get sympathy. At first they felt bad and I so desperately received love kindness and attention. Than my bipolar disorder came out and that was all she wrote, being abandoned by people I just wanted to love me over and over until age 24. This isn’t for the readers to feel bad for me,  I have a Beautiful life.  A supportive loving and kind husband who has raised my daughters Grace and Kaylee as his own along with giving me the Queen of my universe my two year old Vannessa . His family is there for me and has been for the past five years.  I’ve been “adopted ” in by 3 ladies I have the privilege today to call me sisters. Who will do anything for me and love me unconditionally despite my bad brain wiring. I have great friends and family and I am blessed beyond measure. Self destruction has been an unfortunate down fall for me. I can’t handle minor feelings of irritability and everything is overwhelming. My daughters suffer from my “this is the end of my world and nothing will get better” melt downs. A simple trip to Walmart leaves me so frazzled I scream at them or let them run crazy in the store because God forbid if I regulate emotions and act like an adult. I would rather sit in the feelings of despair then scream at my kids for making me crazy.  Seeking help was because I didn’t want to be that person anymore I actually can’t stand those feelings. I want to find inner peace with myself. I overcame a crack addiction, I overcame child abuse neglect and abandonment. I am a survivor a fckn warrior princess and I can change my dumb way of thinking and regulate these emotions. Nothing truly is the “worst thing ever” even though it feels like it is. I’ve already overcame Hell this should be a cake walk right?

 

 

#Healing

Author: grace2fight

on the journey of healing

2 thoughts on “My Borderline Life”

  1. I am sorry for your struggles! What is your job at the moment? Just curious. My friend’s mom has borderline too and I know how hard it is for them to have a relationship- but I don’t think her mom is getting help, so you are a step ahead on that- that’s always the first step!

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    1. Believe it or not i just started therapy yesterday. I read so much about my disorder and down loaded apps to my phone it’s DBT911 it’s a free app. Teaches you how to regulate emotions through awarness. i work as a sales assistant and probably should be working right now lol!! i hope to one day become a voice for mental illness awareness and help others overcome what just a week ago i thought was a hopeless situation

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