How it Got That Bad

How did it get that bad? Is the question I ask myself

The thoughts echo in my head as my heart beat pounds like background music.

You want to call someone, you think it over and over again

But you know the minute you say suicidal everyone will start freaking out

I won’t really do it, I mean how could I when I have children

But how did it get that bad that my thought in midst of my chaos is suicide?

Happy memories of yesterday feel non-existent and crumble away from my mind

As today’s anxiety overtake me

Everything felt so out of control and peace felt so out of reach

You see objects out of place and your skin crawls

You notice every crumb, every streak, on every surface in your house

And the thought of cleaning it, yet again, fills you with rage

What else could I do but lay on my bed and sulk in my misery

That’s when the thought came….

That the only way to end the suffering would be to die

The thought that I will be like this for the rest of my life

Up down Up down like a yoyo that never stops.

Then you get it all out releasing it from your mind and you begin to feel a calm wave through your body

For this moment all is well again and that’s all that matters

 

Storm-of-emotion

Just be me…

Enticed by the grip that holds me inside

There’s something about the darkness that makes me feel alive

The way it feels flowing through me as I spiral down its slope

Traveling down the rabbit hole no longer needing hope

I do not want it to fade as my brown eyes turn to black

My stone cold heart slowly begins to crack

I am falling into the spiral of darkness and the lights start to fade

This time is different as I welcome the other half of myself no longer afraid

I embrace it for it is who I am, no longer fighting its tenacious grip on my soul

Maybe just maybe I will finally feel whole

Realizing nothing stops this part of me from coming back time and time again

It returns the feelings so familiar like a visit from an old friend

The pills they feed me are supposed to distort my insanity in hopes of making me sane

But they destroy the parts of me and cause me so much pain

Confusing me as I am always in a daze, they mask who I am as if I am not real

They take away the parts of me;  the parts that can feel

Numbing who I am is this what is to be sane?

Wires crossed as they control my brain

Telling me how to feel and when to feel what

Can’t you see I have had enough

I am the mad hatter and this is my life, two halves of a whole

Darkness and light and lack of control

A spinning mess of madness and occasional rain

I do not want the pills or to be sane

I want to be free, to be who he intended for me to be

My unique DNA that made me become me

The ups the downs and everything else in between

Half hero half evil queen

What ever I want and who ever I want to be

I want to wake up and just be me

2014783323-8941f90c9b8d514ad35a340898c4d0cc

 

 

 

 

 

 

A conflicted soul….

55aa6aa14b67ca76aa0ea9a6bfab7b43

She is so close to the edge but no one can see

One more step and the darkness overtakes me

The pain is jagged;  the pain is raw

She was standing at the edge yet no one saw

Life moved around her as if she wasn’t there

The world felt so lonely like she belonged nowhere

She hides inside and tries to fade away

A little more of her gone each day

She was at the edge,  thinking what is the next step to take

It seemed the darkness won the smiles are all fake

But they couldn’t see; maybe the mask she wore seemed real

No one knew what lived inside her; no one knew what she had to feel

Each and every day it is just too much to bare

If I was gone tomorrow would anyone truly care

I am drowning in my agony yet no one can even see

The light is gone the darkness  begins to engulf me

Spiraling through my veins taking over my heart

She couldn’t fight it, she didn’t know where to start

Covering my very soul in its solitude, engrossing it in sheer and utter pain

She was in hell inside her mind; How much longer could she sustain?

I took the step, embraced who I am and walked the path destined for me

Darkness is here, the light is gone, Now can you see?

The person I once was I will never be again

Too tired from fighting my own hell from within

She took a step and began to fly in a downward spiral there was no other way

She was at the edge and no one tried to make her stay

Alone with nothing but these thoughts from hell

So into the darkness is where she fell

Heart is blackened and her soul no longer there

No more love, for no one does she care

She is alone and they can’t see

These are the thoughts that live inside of me

 

 

 

Darkness

A human soul is full of light. Like a plant needing sunshine and water. A soul craves love, passion, and requires another human connection. It needs this to grow into something beautiful. But what happens when it never gets this? What happens when it gives away all of its light, all of its love and never gets what it gives. 

The darkness takes over, the humanity dissipates. The love cease to exist inside it’s heart.  It’s left broken and alone. So many years of searching,  fighting,  and giving fills me with such an emptiness a heartache that is almost too much to bare.  

Some people cope with drugs, medication,  and other things. I’ve chosen to embrace the darkness and let go of the light. I am who I am and my soul is dark like my eyes.  I numb the pain by embracing the new me. Who I really am only I know. Maybe in the darkness I will find my happily ever after. Maybe I’m meant to be who I am becoming.

Silence in a world of noise

in-middle

The funny thing about people is they always say they will be there, that they care.

But do they? Do they stop to listen to what is happening when there are no words to hear? Do they really realize that what you’re going through no matter how stupid it looks to them is real to you?

I don’t think so.

Alone in the silence and no one cares. I must be such a good actress if I have everyone convinced that I am okay. I have worn this mask my whole life as the person inside me cries and screams yet a smile is all the world see’s.

No one knows me.. Not one person in this world. I tried to show one person but I know with everything in me the weight of my pain will eventually be too much.

I am ready to depart from this life… so tired of the fake day to day routine. I am ready to see the light and release this darkness once and for all.

They say love is the most powerful emotion we have that it heals pain, that it replaces sorrow with happiness. But it’s not when you love someone because loving someone will drive you crazy.. It will hurt you in ways you never experienced. No it’s not loving someone that is powerful it’s when you love and are loved back.

I have yet to find a love like that, maybe I am too much to love. Maybe darkness was meant for me.

Fragments of a broken heart

c8546dde248dadec43113659485ea0cf

The past week has been rough. As tidlewaves engrossed in depression kept rising on the shores of my life it kept every bit of strength i had to not get caught under the wave to be drowned by its pain. The worst part of the storm is the feeling of utter loneliness. You want to talk about it because you need someone to understand, to say they love you,  someone to make you feel alive when it feels like everything inside you is dieing. But you don’t say anything because your convinced that no one will understand. In those moments of sheer hell there’s only one thing in this world that eases my suffering, one touch, one kiss, that causes fire to run though my veins. It awakens my soul and in that moment of death I feel alive. Like the first radiating sun beam after a hellish rain shower; my soul ignites ever fiber of my body and the warmth begins to graze my skin like  summer heat. I realize then that I’m in love, I’m exposed, vulnerable, and so in love.

A heart so guarded, a heart so broken,  that could still  love with such an extremity is nothing short of amazing.

I dreamed of soul mates, true love, and fairytale romance my entire life. Today I thought none of that exists. In moments of feeling let down and hurt. I thought I need to let go of my childish thinking because life just isn’t like that. But then i realized if I feel it then how could it not be real?

“No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.” ― Aristotle

2016-10-31-04-25-25

Insomnia…feeling like you are about to fall into a deep sleep only to be jolted awake over and over again until you get up mentally wide awake but physically feeling like crap. I stopped taking my meds a little over two months ago. I was sick of the side effects, sick of feeling numb. I was lost in a world of black and white all the color disappeared. I didn’t know who I was anymore. With the support of my husband, it has been really great except for my inability to sleep while manic and not being able to focus for long periods of time. I am exhausted but I will survive. I am going get through this hurdle of insomnia and life will be okay. Something I tell myself in moments of racing thoughts and anxiety,  “getting overwhelmed isn’t going to fix the problem, screaming and anger will make it worse, this is just a moment it will pass”. Those silent thoughts have been the cornerstone to my daily survival. I have more good days than bad, I feel connected inside my soul, heart, and mind. I wonder what those meds really do to us, I wonder if we are not the crazy ones after all. Perhaps we are the gifted ones….

I love who I am every broken, crazy piece. I am free in my captivity.

Fragments of my broken heart

Remembering a time when our laughter changed dark to light

When the innocence of childhood was part of our daily fight

When all I had was you and all you had was me…

What happened to that strong girl that you always use to be…

Fragments of my broken heart is what you left behind

Watching the clock as if I could rewind time

To find you in the past and save you from the pain

Don’t you know you are strong enough to withstand the rain

Haven’t we been through every storm known to be

I wish I could give you the faith and hope you seek in me

But these broken fragments of this heart you shattered each time you go

No longer holds the hope you use to know.

I want to believe you, I want you to get well

But I can not allow you to drag me with you through hell

It rips me apart leaving me spun out and out of control

There is a part of me that without you will never be whole

I am sorry I can’t help you God knows I tried

My hearts breaks, again and again, each time you cried

I can’t stop your pain, I can’t stop the darkness that now has you under its control

I can’t take your broken heart and make it once again whole

But I can take care of them and remind them how you love them so

I can give them all this love I have for you so they always know

I hope you know how loved you are, I hope you continue to fight

I pray each day that you will find your way out of darkness and into the light

Please loose yourself out there so you can find the real you once again

I miss my sister, I miss my best friend

2016-01-25-12.26.22.jpg.jpg

 

 

 

 

The weight of the world

be4fd4c859d5d9c2415d801a8769efa2Family crisis is an ongoing issue in my very large family. The more I try to separate myself from the chaos the farther I get pulled in. In my mind I know there is nothing I can but my heart still wants to fix, save and solve. I feel like I have been at war with myself as my mind and heart are in a constant battle of what the right thing is to do. After hours of this, I am still left completely puzzled. It is easy to walk away from adults, they made their beds now let them lie in it. But the kids is a whole nother ball game. My sensitive, emotional heart is shattered as the thoughts of my niece and nephew don’t leave my mind. What to do now, I don’t know. I can not make my sister stop what she is doing, nor can I change the fact that the kids are going to end up hurt. I know all I can do is go through the motions of each day and handle what I can. What I do need to figure out is how to stop what’s going on inside from being projected to the outside. When I am going through mental turmoil the emotions I am feeling inside will attach to random situations I go through in my home life that have nothing to do with the situation at hand. Such as my homework, feeling frustrated with responsibilities, work, school, kids, the dogs, everything is overwhelming. When in reality they have nothing to do with the real issue which is my drug addict sister.  I wish I could rid myself of the emotions attached to my sister. God, they are so toxic for me.

 

Cease the Day

2016-09-05-18.02.34.png.pngMy new journey begins at a new hospital Monday. I am praying it is the place I need it to be. Where I can love my patients and their care is top priority. Where I can feel a sense of fulfillment as I share my experience, strength, and hope. I am so excited, yet nervous. I loved my patients at West Oaks, I know I made that place a better place. I feel sad leaving because there aren’t many there that love what they do. However, God is leading me in a new direction and I have to follow.

Next week will be busy as my new semester begins as well. College Algebra and Psyc. 3, please keep me in your prayers as the chaos of school and work engulf my every second. I love this life I live and wouldn’t want it any other way.