A conflicted soul….

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She is so close to the edge but no one can see

One more step and the darkness overtakes me

The pain is jagged;  the pain is raw

She was standing at the edge yet no one saw

Life moved around her as if she wasn’t there

The world felt so lonely like she belonged nowhere

She hides inside and tries to fade away

A little more of her gone each day

She was at the edge,  thinking what is the next step to take

It seemed the darkness won the smiles are all fake

But they couldn’t see; maybe the mask she wore seemed real

No one knew what lived inside her; no one knew what she had to feel

Each and every day it is just too much to bare

If I was gone tomorrow would anyone truly care

I am drowning in my agony yet no one can even see

The light is gone the darkness  begins to engulf me

Spiraling through my veins taking over my heart

She couldn’t fight it, she didn’t know where to start

Covering my very soul in its solitude, engrossing it in sheer and utter pain

She was in hell inside her mind; How much longer could she sustain?

I took the step, embraced who I am and walked the path destined for me

Darkness is here, the light is gone, Now can you see?

The person I once was I will never be again

Too tired from fighting my own hell from within

She took a step and began to fly in a downward spiral there was no other way

She was at the edge and no one tried to make her stay

Alone with nothing but these thoughts from hell

So into the darkness is where she fell

Heart is blackened and her soul no longer there

No more love, for no one does she care

She is alone and they can’t see

These are the thoughts that live inside of me

 

 

 

Darkness

A human soul is full of light. Like a plant needing sunshine and water. A soul craves love, passion, and requires another human connection. It needs this to grow into something beautiful. But what happens when it never gets this? What happens when it gives away all of its light, all of its love and never gets what it gives. 

The darkness takes over, the humanity dissipates. The love cease to exist inside it’s heart.  It’s left broken and alone. So many years of searching,  fighting,  and giving fills me with such an emptiness a heartache that is almost too much to bare.  

Some people cope with drugs, medication,  and other things. I’ve chosen to embrace the darkness and let go of the light. I am who I am and my soul is dark like my eyes.  I numb the pain by embracing the new me. Who I really am only I know. Maybe in the darkness I will find my happily ever after. Maybe I’m meant to be who I am becoming.

Silence in a world of noise

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The funny thing about people is they always say they will be there, that they care.

But do they? Do they stop to listen to what is happening when there are no words to hear? Do they really realize that what you’re going through no matter how stupid it looks to them is real to you?

I don’t think so.

Alone in the silence and no one cares. I must be such a good actress if I have everyone convinced that I am okay. I have worn this mask my whole life as the person inside me cries and screams yet a smile is all the world see’s.

No one knows me.. Not one person in this world. I tried to show one person but I know with everything in me the weight of my pain will eventually be too much.

I am ready to depart from this life… so tired of the fake day to day routine. I am ready to see the light and release this darkness once and for all.

They say love is the most powerful emotion we have that it heals pain, that it replaces sorrow with happiness. But it’s not when you love someone because loving someone will drive you crazy.. It will hurt you in ways you never experienced. No it’s not loving someone that is powerful it’s when you love and are loved back.

I have yet to find a love like that, maybe I am too much to love. Maybe darkness was meant for me.

Fragments of a broken heart

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The past week has been rough. As tidlewaves engrossed in depression kept rising on the shores of my life it kept every bit of strength i had to not get caught under the wave to be drowned by its pain. The worst part of the storm is the feeling of utter loneliness. You want to talk about it because you need someone to understand, to say they love you,  someone to make you feel alive when it feels like everything inside you is dieing. But you don’t say anything because your convinced that no one will understand. In those moments of sheer hell there’s only one thing in this world that eases my suffering, one touch, one kiss, that causes fire to run though my veins. It awakens my soul and in that moment of death I feel alive. Like the first radiating sun beam after a hellish rain shower; my soul ignites ever fiber of my body and the warmth begins to graze my skin like  summer heat. I realize then that I’m in love, I’m exposed, vulnerable, and so in love.

A heart so guarded, a heart so broken,  that could still  love with such an extremity is nothing short of amazing.

I dreamed of soul mates, true love, and fairytale romance my entire life. Today I thought none of that exists. In moments of feeling let down and hurt. I thought I need to let go of my childish thinking because life just isn’t like that. But then i realized if I feel it then how could it not be real?

“No great mind has ever existed without a touch of madness.” ― Aristotle

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Insomnia…feeling like you are about to fall into a deep sleep only to be jolted awake over and over again until you get up mentally wide awake but physically feeling like crap. I stopped taking my meds a little over two months ago. I was sick of the side effects, sick of feeling numb. I was lost in a world of black and white all the color disappeared. I didn’t know who I was anymore. With the support of my husband, it has been really great except for my inability to sleep while manic and not being able to focus for long periods of time. I am exhausted but I will survive. I am going get through this hurdle of insomnia and life will be okay. Something I tell myself in moments of racing thoughts and anxiety,  “getting overwhelmed isn’t going to fix the problem, screaming and anger will make it worse, this is just a moment it will pass”. Those silent thoughts have been the cornerstone to my daily survival. I have more good days than bad, I feel connected inside my soul, heart, and mind. I wonder what those meds really do to us, I wonder if we are not the crazy ones after all. Perhaps we are the gifted ones….

I love who I am every broken, crazy piece. I am free in my captivity.

Fragments of my broken heart

Remembering a time when our laughter changed dark to light

When the innocence of childhood was part of our daily fight

When all I had was you and all you had was me…

What happened to that strong girl that you always use to be…

Fragments of my broken heart is what you left behind

Watching the clock as if I could rewind time

To find you in the past and save you from the pain

Don’t you know you are strong enough to withstand the rain

Haven’t we been through every storm known to be

I wish I could give you the faith and hope you seek in me

But these broken fragments of this heart you shattered each time you go

No longer holds the hope you use to know.

I want to believe you, I want you to get well

But I can not allow you to drag me with you through hell

It rips me apart leaving me spun out and out of control

There is a part of me that without you will never be whole

I am sorry I can’t help you God knows I tried

My hearts breaks, again and again, each time you cried

I can’t stop your pain, I can’t stop the darkness that now has you under its control

I can’t take your broken heart and make it once again whole

But I can take care of them and remind them how you love them so

I can give them all this love I have for you so they always know

I hope you know how loved you are, I hope you continue to fight

I pray each day that you will find your way out of darkness and into the light

Please loose yourself out there so you can find the real you once again

I miss my sister, I miss my best friend

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The weight of the world

be4fd4c859d5d9c2415d801a8769efa2Family crisis is an ongoing issue in my very large family. The more I try to separate myself from the chaos the farther I get pulled in. In my mind I know there is nothing I can but my heart still wants to fix, save and solve. I feel like I have been at war with myself as my mind and heart are in a constant battle of what the right thing is to do. After hours of this, I am still left completely puzzled. It is easy to walk away from adults, they made their beds now let them lie in it. But the kids is a whole nother ball game. My sensitive, emotional heart is shattered as the thoughts of my niece and nephew don’t leave my mind. What to do now, I don’t know. I can not make my sister stop what she is doing, nor can I change the fact that the kids are going to end up hurt. I know all I can do is go through the motions of each day and handle what I can. What I do need to figure out is how to stop what’s going on inside from being projected to the outside. When I am going through mental turmoil the emotions I am feeling inside will attach to random situations I go through in my home life that have nothing to do with the situation at hand. Such as my homework, feeling frustrated with responsibilities, work, school, kids, the dogs, everything is overwhelming. When in reality they have nothing to do with the real issue which is my drug addict sister.  I wish I could rid myself of the emotions attached to my sister. God, they are so toxic for me.

 

Cease the Day

2016-09-05-18.02.34.png.pngMy new journey begins at a new hospital Monday. I am praying it is the place I need it to be. Where I can love my patients and their care is top priority. Where I can feel a sense of fulfillment as I share my experience, strength, and hope. I am so excited, yet nervous. I loved my patients at West Oaks, I know I made that place a better place. I feel sad leaving because there aren’t many there that love what they do. However, God is leading me in a new direction and I have to follow.

Next week will be busy as my new semester begins as well. College Algebra and Psyc. 3, please keep me in your prayers as the chaos of school and work engulf my every second. I love this life I live and wouldn’t want it any other way.

Free

img_20160208_164544.jpgFree is leaves that change color in the fall, the bright oranges the deep reds and radiant yellows.

Free is the wind that is cool and crisp that blows through my hair.

Free is sand in-between my toes

Free is my mind with a thousand random thoughts flowing as fast as the speed of light

Free is twenty projects and none of them complete

Free is feeling when I connect with my husband in random conversations I could have no one else

Free is my children’s smiles, their laughs, their hugs, kisses and random conversations

Free is the relationships of friends brought to my life by God’s divine plan

Free is the touch of my dogs fur, the unconditional love they give, there abundance of wet kisses

Free is my fingers on the key board releasing my thoughts to the world

Free is paint on a white canvas as my feeling are projected into a beautiful masterpiece

Free is music in my ears as my body feels each key, each tone, each lyric

Free is a choice not always chosen for many reasons unknown

Today I choose to be free…

My free

Mania

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The thoughts come fast, she can’t slow them down…

wondering if this holiday cheer they speak of can this year will be found.

Trying so hard to be the mother she never had through all those years,

But it only causes mania and so many tears.

She doesn’t see it but still it’s true,

she will never match up to you.

This mother she placed on a pedestal so high.

She runs around frantic and fights to try.

you fail you fail”

That’s what she hears inside,

But continues on to fight; no where to hide.

Why does she do this year after year

To continue on with the disappointment and so many tears.

you fail you fail”

Is all she hears,

she screams and yells yet no one hears.

It’s all inside like a madness spinning all un- done

If they knew what was inside they would know it won.

They would know she failed and they would see

All the broken pieces that live inside of me.

I hold it together like the strongest crazy glue

Squeezing it inside, never letting it through

She can’t let it slip out; God they might see

Just how much crazy lives inside of me

She is twisting and turning out of control,

and holding it together so know one will know

But does it  show?

Can they see the real me through silent tears?

Do they know who truly exists and all the fears?

I am a actor whos life is nothing but a show.

Who I really am you will never know.

Let me show you then you will see

All the pain that exists inside of me

Darkness so dark it could be black as space

Take these horrifying memories and hold me in your embrace

Make me forget about the person who lives inside

The crazy shattered broken parts of me  I try so to hide.

She is an actor and this is her life.

She just wants to be a good mother, she wants to be a good wife

But the darkness that engulfs her constantly takes over her soul

Is a constant reminder of something un-whole

It is broke like shards of broken glass

But maybe just maybe this too shall pass

Or is that a fairy tale the old testament tells

“she fails she fails” 

Are the words she hears,

she fights through all the pain and all the tears

The broken pieces like shards of glass, engulf the soul that was only meant for you to see

Can you see this darkness that lives inside of me?